last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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