Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
