i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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