i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
