She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Randomize
