i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
