Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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