He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize