Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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