she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
