i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
