im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I deserve to be covered in dicks
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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