she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
