ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
