Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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