hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize