Can i not drive my cunt home
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Randomize
