I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
