we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
