There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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