I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
