it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
