Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Are we still banned from the library?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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