I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
