Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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