I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
