Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
