she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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