I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize