areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
My liver just had a heart attack.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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