I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Randomize
