cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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