good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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