remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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