Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
