I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
