So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
