FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
