I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
