i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
