there's paper in my vomit.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
