On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
