He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
