Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
