tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
