i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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