Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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