yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
