My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
