my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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