its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm too high and old for this...
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
