better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
