why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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