Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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